As I woke up this morning, I think about how far I have come. I'm forty one years old and I will honestly say I have overcome a life full of sexual assault. At the age of six I remember my brother who was fourteen years old penetrating me while my mother slept in the next room. Between the age of six and seven there was not one sexual position I hadn't been taught to do, oral, anal and any other position he would see on the porno movies he had me watch with him and say we will try this. I can also remember trying to hide sometimes from his assault so I would sleep in the bed with my mom whom always had a different man with her. At that age children look up to their parents for protection. But thinking back I can remember her actually having encounters with men while I slept with her.
Her protection failed me!! So I felt my older sister who was four years older than me, would be my savior. I explained to her what was happening and she cried and said we have to leave, she also told me he did these things to her a few years back but she never knew he started with me. I was eight and she was twelve at this time.
My grandmother stayed a few blocks from us we walked there, never telling our story we just told her we wanted to stay with her because our mom worked three jobs and was never home and we were afraid, she agreed. My mom agreed also and we felt safe.
The abuse I suffered seemed like normal behavior so I guess you can say I abused a female cousin who was also staying with my grandmother. I called it playing house. We got caught by her mother and spanked. I was so confused because that's all I knew.
By the age of 14 I was pregnant with my firstborn. Her father was a boy in school that was always fighting and getting in trouble in class and course I was attracted to him for this reason only. I felt this type of guy could physically protect me from any more abuse, only to be held down by him while he allowed two of his friends to rape me while I was carrying his child. After the birth of our child he for some reason stopped allowing his friends to abuse me. Because of his other illegal activities he went to jail for some time. I was on my own and had to make decisions for me and my daughter. I went home to my mother, she still didn’t know that my brother abused me.
I began to share about the abuse with friends and teachers and I found out I wasn't alone. The more knowledge I came across on this subject I became strong. I believe I felt like I had no choice in my own life but the more I read on this subject and started going to counseling, there was no stopping me. I became powerful through knowledge. My counselor told me to face my attackers and question their actions. I did this but neither of them could answer me. I didn't get the closure I needed but I got courage.
I moved on my own to raise my children, by this time I had two girls and I promised myself and God I wouldn't allow anyone to harm them the way I was. I share my story with you because I want any woman or little girl to know you are not to blame. You can overcome anything that has happened to you, trust in yourself and your ability to have a normal life.
Know You Are Not To Blame