I Am Still Here...

By Elaine Crocker

I can say today without shame that I was sexually abused. At the age of 5 or 6 I was molested by my teen cousin and a few years later my grandfather began molesting me.   My grandmother told me it was my fault that her husband touched me.  At that age? What did I do?  I didn’t really know but what I did know was that she was right, she was the adult she had to know what she was talking about.  The result was I was silenced and for many years I carried the shame, blame and guilt.  So much so that when I was raped at 11 years old by 3 neighborhood guys I told no one. Who was going to believe me? It was my fault, right?  The burden I carried was so heavy, I needed an escape and turned to drugs, alcohol and self-destructive behaviors. I wanted to kill every part of myself and when high I was a completely different person, it almost killed me which deep inside that’s what I wanted, to die.

After 10+ years of drug addiction & alcoholism, 25 years ago I took the necessary steps and did the required work to get clean and sober and with the help of rehab and counseling thus began the process of healing from the abuse.  It was a long and hard journey but so worth it and today I can say I was a victim but I am a survivor.

I try to use my past experiences to help others who are experiencing or have experienced what I have. I’ve started a business Re - Creations Enterprises my mission is to partner with other victims & survivors of sexual abuse as they make the journey towards healing and reclaiming the power that was stolen from them.   So many people came into my life and helped me, supported me, encouraged me and showed me a new way of life, a victorious one.  They gave me hope for my future.  One of the biggest issues they helped with is realizing that by destroying myself I was giving my power over to those who had hurt me. Most of them were dead and gone but they were still controlling me, victimizing me.  I built up the resolve that no more would I allow my abusers to have power over me.  I do what I do, share my story and mentor others because I believe it is my responsibility to do unto others as was done for me. 

I want to let anyone know who needs to know that there is hope, you can survive and go on to thrive –you don’t have to live in silence carrying this secret shame and guilt that really  is not yours to bear, you didn’t do anything wrong. My hope for sharing with you is that you will walk away armed and dangerous because you’ll know that you were not at fault. Even though some terrible acts have been done to me I am a worthy, valuable and loving human being. We don’t have to carry around guilt and shame.  That isn’t ours to bear.  And even though you may feel afraid, depressed, maybe suffering from PTSD and maybe even addicted there is better for you.

 This is my story…

I AM STILL HERE - I was sexually abused as a child, yet I’m still here; even worse I was blamed and shamed into believing it was my fault, yet I’m still here; fear had literally stolen my voice, yet I’m still here. I felt lost, alone, abandoned and rejected, unable to smile, laugh, cry, love or feel at all, yet I’m still here; I suffered many years depressed, oppressed, sick and addicted to drugs and alcohol because the pain was too much to bear in my right mind, yet I’m still here; Now I could go on about the bad experiences in my life, but I won’t, because what I really want to say is that in spite of it all…I AM STILL HERE

You can follow/contact Elaine Crocker:

Email:  conquering1961@yahoo.com Facebook:  https://www.facebook.com/elaine.crockerbey